In my almost 2 decades of being a crazy mayday fan, I have never really spoke to other cray cray mayday fans in depth before, aside from my sister and my ex-clients turned friends. Last night as i chatted with a really really nice Mayday fan. Super envy her because she really jets around for their concerts and even Jacky Cheung’s (one of the crazy things I want to do is to watch Mayday live in Taiwan)! She really has nothing to tie her down. That’s why now whenever I speak to others and topics like regrets and craziest things done pop up, I’ll say GO DO IT NOW! Problem with me is I have been talking and dreaming too much until now when I feel I want to go do it, I realize my hands and legs are tied by something called motherhood. As much as motherhood and parenting brings about other forms of happiness, we often mull about the ‘what ifs’. So, I’m slowly giving up on the ‘what ifs’. Instead, I ask ‘given my resources and situation, what can I do and how can I bring myself closer to it’
Been getting comments like ‘You are very free’ or similar more and more frequently now. To tackle all these comments I jokingly labeled myself as the ‘unemployed’. Truth is, I don’t see that I am very ‘free’. I have to handle the girls on weekdays, feed, bath and coach them, and still go tuition to earn some pocket money. Now house chores have become my territory because I was the one who ‘pok’ the part timers. I love baking, but because my life centers around the girls’ schedule, I seldom have prolong hours to bake since May. Even as I typed this, I am doing it while multitasking (shan’t dwell on what I am doing). My ‘free time’ are in the form of pockets. I do not have prolonged 2-3 hours of free time for me to do anything decent. No one wants to employ someone who only have pockets of ‘free time’. So I always say now, I live by the hour. But compared to some others, I’m considered lucky that my family is ready to help me (with some bit of nagging) when I really need time away from motherhood chores. Trust me, it is also not fun not being able to bring some ‘bread’ back for the household. You see people with double income buying second property and going for super almost budget free holiday etc etc etc (while we got to plan every single cent and scrimp on other things because we want to go holiday). But of course, the other point of view will also envy us. The comparing will never end.
I spend a lot of time on my phone because this is my outlet to the world and I do it during my pockets of time. I love going to the gym because it makes me happy and I get adult-to-adult interaction (other than my family). I survive on day to day positive vibes here and there while figuring out my next baby step in life.
When I’m ‘free’, it means I’m free to think, free to dream and free to do what I want. But now I don’t dare to think, dream nor do much. So, am I that free or not?
Ps: I post a lot on social media means that I’m still very much alive and very much happy. If I stop posting it means that I already have given up on the world. So don’t judge based on the posting