Freedom?

In my almost 2 decades of being a crazy mayday fan, I have never really spoke to other cray cray mayday fans in depth before, aside from my sister and my ex-clients turned friends. Last night as i chatted with a really really nice Mayday fan. Super envy her because she really jets around for their concerts and even Jacky Cheung’s (one of the crazy things I want to do is to watch Mayday live in Taiwan)! She really has nothing to tie her down. That’s why now whenever I speak to others and topics like regrets and craziest things done pop up, I’ll say GO DO IT NOW! Problem with me is I have been talking and dreaming too much until now when I feel I want to go do it, I realize my hands and legs are tied by something called motherhood. As much as motherhood and parenting brings about other forms of happiness, we often mull about the ‘what ifs’. So, I’m slowly giving up on the ‘what ifs’. Instead, I ask ‘given my resources and situation, what can I do and how can I bring myself closer to it’

Been getting comments like ‘You are very free’ or similar more and more frequently now. To tackle all these comments I jokingly labeled myself as the ‘unemployed’. Truth is, I don’t see that I am very ‘free’. I have to handle the girls on weekdays, feed, bath and coach them, and still go tuition to earn some pocket money. Now house chores have become my territory because I was the one who ‘pok’ the part timers. I love baking, but because my life centers around the girls’ schedule, I seldom have prolong hours to bake since May. Even as I typed this, I am doing it while multitasking (shan’t dwell on what I am doing). My ‘free time’ are in the form of pockets. I do not have prolonged 2-3 hours of free time for me to do anything decent. No one wants to employ someone who only have pockets of ‘free time’. So I always say now, I live by the hour. But compared to some others, I’m considered lucky that my family is ready to help me (with some bit of nagging) when I really need time away from motherhood chores. Trust me, it is also not fun not being able to bring some ‘bread’ back for the household. You see people with double income buying second property and going for super almost budget free holiday etc etc etc (while we got to plan every single cent and scrimp on other things because we want to go holiday). But of course, the other point of view will also envy us. The comparing will never end.

I spend a lot of time on my phone because this is my outlet to the world and I do it during my pockets of time. I love going to the gym because it makes me happy and I get adult-to-adult interaction (other than my family). I survive on day to day positive vibes here and there while figuring out my next baby step in life.

When I’m ‘free’, it means I’m free to think, free to dream and free to do what I want. But now I don’t dare to think, dream nor do much. So, am I that free or not?

Ps: I post a lot on social media means that I’m still very much alive and very much happy. If I stop posting it means that I already have given up on the world. So don’t judge based on the posting

Advertisements

About decisions and time

Today is one of the rare days when I don’t feel enthusiastic about working out at Amore. I just want to do nothing. So I planned to go Bengawan Solo to order Big K’s cake for class party next week and then head to Parkway for my Popiah and banking needs. Probably head to Isetan to see if I can find some presents for the birthday girl (because we are not having a big party I feel obliged to get her gifts just for her to unwrap them but I am doing it with a budget). After that, I probably will head to Dutch Colony for my good Cuppa artisan coffees after pumping petrol.

As life turned out, I completed my cake ordering too early and ended up in Parkway too early. Done my banking stuffs too fast and needed brekkie. Sadly, Popiah stall was not opened to early. Neither could I shift my shopping forward because no shop was opened this early. I was faced with options:

1) wonder aimlessly in parkway and wait for Popiah stall to open

2) go and pump petrol first and have coffee first then head pack to parkway to complete my tasks

Time and money is something I value a lot. I decided that a brekkie at Starbucks (with a citibank 10% rebate) will cost about the same as my Popiah plus artisan coffee. I decided to settle on my chicken apricot sandwich and tall skinny latte while waiting for shops to open. After that I can go pump petrol and pick up the girls.

The decision was met with a slight struggle as my initial plan was quite messed up for I’m picky about food I eat based on budget I have and calories intake I need. However, I realised, this gives me some time to think or rather space out a little. The coffee may not be as nice and sandwich and Popiah aren’t quite the same but it’s still one of my favorites in Starbucks. And they really warmed up it nicely for me.

I guess life often likes to give you small and big challenges that make you think hard to what decisions to make. Some decisions are hard to swallow but once you made it, you might just appreciate the gains you make. For me, this decision to have another brekkie gives me TIME to enjoy peace and some quiet time to myself. Plan still goes on for the rest of the to-dos but I feel that I have not wasted any time.

IMG_3162-0.JPG